Chapter 5
Melanie looked up and waved when Miles entered the restaurant. He was at least grateful for the fact that she’d forgiven him for what had happened at his parents’ anniversary party, because if he’d had to endure her anger along with everything else he didn’t think that he could have stood it. “Hey, bro,” she remarked as he slid into his seat. “How’s work?”
He gave her a sour look, and her lips twitched. While she’d almost forgiven him, it still tickled her that Farley had found another guy(and one who was hotter than Miles by far) - and one that worked on the show with them, so he could rub it in her brother’s face. She considered this to be the prefect punishment for Miles after what he’d said. While she also pitied him a bit(he was obviously very stressed, she could see it in the dark circles under his eyes and the new lines in his face), she felt that he deserved this. Still…
“Miles,” she said gently. “You should consider quitting if it bothers you this much. Its not good for you to be this stressed out.”
He sighed, his mouth compressing a little. “You’re right,” he agreed, surprising her. “I’ve been considering quitting. I just have to find another job before I can do that.”
She nodded, reaching out to pat his hand on the tabletop. “It’ll be all right,” she said compassionately.
He shrugged, but it was a weary movement. Studying his face, Melanie decided that the time had come. She needed to confront him about something that had been festering inside of him for far too long. “Miles,” she began quietly but determinedly, “I want to talk to you about what happened to you in high school.”
He stiffened instantly, his face closing up into a mask. But she plowed on anyway, knowing that this was a wound that had to be lanced before her brother could heal. “Miles, I know you hate to talk about it, but I think that you should. You NEED to! What those boys did to you…it was horrible. And I think…I think that the real problem that you had with Farley was the fact that he acts so gay - and you hate that. Because you hate yourself for being gay, and anything that reminds you of the fact that you’re gay. And that’s what Farley did - reminded you ever day that you’re gay. Those boys made you hate part of yourself, Miles. Which is just so wrong! You’re great, amazing, and there’s nothing wrong with being gay.” she met his flabbergasted stare head on, letting him see that she meant every word. “I love you, Miles, and its killed me all of these years to watch you become this closed-off, unhappy person who hates what he is. And I hoped that if you could accept Farley, you could accept the part of you that you’ve hated for so long.”
His mouth opened, but no sound came out. Under his sister’s steady stare, Miles was thrown back to the incident that had changed his life - and not for the better. Up until that point, he’d been a serious and driven student, a geeky guy who had been something of an outcast. But he’d been able to handle all of that, because it had simply been business as usual. Until the day that one of the football team had seen him looking at a magazine in a convenience store. A copy of Playgirl, actually. He’d been staring dry-mouthed at the naked centerfold, entranced by the manly beauty so casually on display. He hadn’t even been aware that the football player from his school had seen him.
That is, until he’d been seized by seven large young men at school the next day, and had been dragged away outside to the flag pole. He’d been helpless to save himself or get away, though he’d struggled wildly. They’d stripped his clothes off(except for his underwear), while he’d been frozen with fear of what they would do to him. He imagined that it was what a woman felt like when she was raped, and they HAD violated him in a way. They’d stolen his dignity and his ability to fight back, and they’d humiliated him publicly. They’d jeered at him as they duct-taped him almost naked to the pole, then one of them produced a jar of red poster paint and a brush that he’d swiped from the art room and had painted the word ’FAG’ in his chest in foot high letters. One of them had spit on him. “That’s what you rump rangers get,” he’d sneered. “Sick bastards.” then they’d walked away laughing, leaving him unable to move or speak.
And the whole school had seen him as they’d streamed out the doors to go to lunch. Of course most had laughed at him instead of trying to help him in any way. Only his sister and a couple of friends had run off to find someone to get him down, while he’d hung there feeling the burn of shame and self-loathing start up deep inside of him. It was a fire that had never flickered out. No matter what he’d done after that, there had always been a voice deep inside his head that told him that he’d never be good enough, he’d never be right - because he was gay. Something like that would never have happened to him if he hadn’t had these unnatural urges toward those of his own sex.
A low, choked sound came from his throat, as Melanie stared at him in concern. He was so pale that she was desperately worried about him. “Miles?” she said, afraid that she’d gone too far by pushing him about this.
He closed his eyes. “You’re right,” he said in a dull, lifeless voice. “Totally right, Melanie. I do hate being gay. And you’re right about Farley, too. It's because he’s so gay that I got so angry about him. But…he has the courage that I lack, doesn’t he? He’s not afraid to be who he is. And he doesn’t hate who he is. Not like me,” and he buried his face in his hands, slumping at the table.
Melanie jumped upon and came around to hug his shoulders. “Bro, this is a breakthrough,” she breathed as she set her cheek on the top of his head. “You needed to realize this. You don’t have a thing to be ashamed of, Miles. Those boys who did that to you should be ashamed. But they probably never will, since they were assholes. They hurt my brother, and if I could have I would have done something awful to them in return,” her voice was fierce.
He laughed in a muffled voice. “Not even they deserved something awful like that,” he said, lifting his head. He reached up to take her hand. “Thanks, Mel. I guess I never realized how deeply that incident cut me. I just didn’t want to think about it, but that doesn’t mean that it ever went away. I need to face it, don’t I? Head on.”
She nodded, tears in her eyes. “I could see that it was festering inside of you, Miles. I’ve wanted to say something for a long time, but you wouldn’t ever talk about it.” she leaned over and kissed his cheek tenderly. “Whenever you do need to talk about it from now on, bro, you know where to come. I’ll always be here for you.”
He smiled, an expression she so seldom saw on his face that it took her breath away now. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said. “I love you, Mel.”
“And I love you, Miles. No matter what happens, I always will,” she said, making a ’cross your heart’ gesture over her left breast. She sat down again, taking up a menu. “So what should we eat? What goes with ’life-changing realizations’? Fish?”
She welcomed his laughter as she read the menu, thinking that it was one of the nicest sounds that she’d ever heard.
“So,” the therapist said. “How are you feeling today, Miles?”
“Better,” he told her. “These sessions have really helped. I know my sister said that I could talk to her anytime, but I think its better to have an objective ear. Besides, she was there when that incident happened. I know she isn’t ashamed of me or anything, but I still can’t talk to her about it. It’s just too hard.”
“I understand,” the therapist replied. “I’ve seen you relax a good deal just during these few weeks. Frankly, I don’t think we need to do many more. You’re doing a good job on your own reaching self-actualization, and you simply needed someone to talk to. When you decide that you don’t need to talk about it anymore, you won’t need to come here again.”
He felt relief at her words. While he had needed and wanted someone to talk to about that incident in high school and its aftermath, he didn’t really enjoy therapy. He’d be happy not to have to come here again, much as it had helped him. “If you don’t mind, I think that I’m done talking,” he said. “I’m grateful for your help, but I think I can do the rest on my own now.”
She nodded. “If that’s how you feel, Miles, then I’ll let you go,” she smiled at him as he got to his feet. “Good luck with everything, Miles. And you should definitely talk with your co-worker, and explain to him your reasons for your outburst at your parents’ anniversary party. He deserves that much from you at least.”
“I know,” he replied simply. “I’ll do that. Thank you,” he held out his hand, and she shook it before he left her office.
He thought about all that had happened as he drove to the studio. The therapy really had helped him to work through the shame and self-loathing that he’d carried around for all of these years since high school. He was feeling much better about himself now - and that was why he intended to get a new job as soon as possible. He recognized the fact that he was totally jealous of Damien and Farley, but he had also realized that he had no right whatsoever to feel that way. Farley deserved someone who would treat him well and cherish him for who he was. Not someone who had humiliated him in public and before that had treated him badly every time that they’d interacted. So he’d find another job, and maybe in time he’d forget Farley Koninger altogether.
He pulled up in front of the studio and parked in his space. While they’d already done the show this morning, today was pay day. He’d come to pick up his paycheck. As he got out of his car, he saw a man leaning against the wall near the metal door leading into the studio. Miles couldn’t help but look, since this person was startlingly beautiful. He had a fall of raven-black hair nearly obscuring a pair of lidded grey eyes. His full lips were turned down a bit , and he looked utterly bored.
Miles wondered briefly who this vision was, but put it out of his mind as he entered the building. He saw Damien chatting with their director, but no sign of Farley. He picked up his check in the office, and stopped to talk a bit with their secretary. As he left, he saw that Damien was still talking with the director. Miles didn’t say anything to either of them; it wasn’t easy for him to be civil to Damien at the best of times, in spite of the fact that he knew that he had no right to be angry at Damien for sweeping Farley off of his feet.
The beautiful young man was still leaning against the wall when he emerged. Miles started to walk past him, but the man stirred and spoke. “Hey,” he said to Miles.
He stopped in his tracks. “Can I help you?”
“Yeah,” the man swept back his fall of hair impatiently. “You were inside. Is Damien almost done? We have a reservation, which we’re going to lose if he keeps screwing around.”
Miles blinked. “Err,” he began uncertainly. “I saw him talking to our director. I don’t know how much longer he’ll be.”
The man blew out an angry breath. “Typical,” he muttered in disgust.
“Excuse me…are you and Damien…?” Miles said hesitantly.
“Are we what?” the beautiful man asked, frowning at Miles.
“Are you two…together?”
The grey eyes narrowed. “Together? Not at the moment, we’re not.”
“No I meant…is Damien your boyfriend?” Miles asked incredulously.
A sardonic laugh. “My boyfriend? What is this, high school? He and I have sex,” the man replied coolly.
“But what about Farley?” Miles protested, disturbed. The thought that Damien could be cheating on poor Farley angered him.
“Who?” the young man asked, but before Miles could elaborate the door was pushed open and Damien emerged.
“Hey, Kelly, sorry to keep you waiting,” he said apologetically.
“You will be sorry, yes,” the beautiful young man told him.
Miles spoke up before Damien could say anything. “Damien! What the hell?!” he said sharply.
Damien turned to look at him. “Oh, hey, Miles,” he said. “What’s wrong?”
Miles just stared at him. “What’s wrong?” he repeated incredulously. “Are you cheating on Farley with HIM?!” he pointed at the beautiful young man, who lifted his brows slightly and looked down his nose at the agitated Miles.
Damien looked startled, then an expression of understanding swept over his face. “Ah,” he said slowly. “No. I can see why you’d think that, Miles, but no. Farley and I aren’t dating.”
He just stood there, dumbfounded. “But…” he said weakly. “You’re always…”
“Flirting? We do that for the camera,” Damien said with a wry smile. “It's good for the ratings. I’ll admit that I made a play for him right off, but he turned me down. Which is just as well, since Kelly wouldn’t like me sleeping with anybody else. Right, baby?”
“If you fucked somebody else I’d cut your balls off,” the beautiful man said coldly. “And you’d better remember that, Damien.”
Damien winced. “I will,” he said. “Anyway, Miles, the flirting is just a game me and Farley play. To tell you the truth…” he met Miles’ eyes, “I think he turned me down because he’s still hung up on you.”
Miles felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. “What makes you think that?” he asked tightly.
“Because while he might ignore you on camera, off camera he talks about you all the time,” Damien told him. “He worries about you. It gets tedious sometimes, let me tell you. If you have any brains you’ll go get that. Anyway, Kelly and I have to go to make our reservation. See you tomorrow, Miles,” he waved a hand as he put his other one around the beautiful man’s waist and escorted him away toward his sports car.
Miles just stood there, stunned. Damien had a boyfriend? Or whatever he was. And Farley had turned him down because…could it really be? Did he still have a shot with Farley? He’d accepted the fact that he couldn’t and shouldn’t try to interfere with Damien and Farley’s relationship. But apparently, they didn’t actually have one! His heart wads beating so fast that he almost felt sick. He turned to look at the studio, wondering if Farley was in there or if he’d been and gone. Slowly he pulled out his key card and inserted it, then pulled the door open. He stepped into the studio, letting the door shut behind him as he walked toward the office to ask the secretary if she’d seen Farley this afternoon.
“Farley? I think he’s still here,” the secretary said. “I saw him going to his dressing room earlier. I think that he’s got a new costume that he wanted to try on for tomorrow’s broadcast,” she went on.
“Thank you,” he said, turning away. His mouth felt dry as he walked toward the hallway that led to the dressing rooms.
He reached the dressing room that had Farley’s name on a plaque surrounded by glittering gold stars. He hesitated for a moment, then lifted his hand and knocked on the door. For a moment it appeared that there was no one inside, but then the door flew open. “What is it, Damien?” Farley piped, then fell silent as he saw Miles standing outside of his door. He was dressed in a meter maid’s costume, and the skimpy skirt showed off his long white legs. “Miles,” he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Farley,” his voice was a near-croak. “I need to talk to you. Please may I come in?”
Farley just stared at him for a moment, then he stepped back. “Come in,” he said.
Miles walked into the dressing room feeling utterly nervous but also completely determined. Inside, he turned to look at Farley, who had closed the door and was standing there while his long fingers played with the clipboard he was holding. “Farley,” he began. “I have to tell you about something that happened to me when I was in high school. Its important for you to hear this, because it’ll help you understand why I said what I did about you at my parents’ anniversary party - and why I treated you the way I did before that. Please, will you hear me out?”
The light-blue eyes studied his face. “All right, Miles,” Farley said softly. “Tell me.”
So he did. He bared his soul to Farley, not holding anything back. He even stoically recited his feelings on that horrible day, and he saw the stricken expression on Farley’s face when he was done. “I hate being gay, Farley,” he said. “Or at least I did for a really long time. And that’s why I’ve always hated you, too. Because you’re so very, very openly gay. And you represent everything that I’ve always hated about myself since that day. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.”
“Oh, Miles,” Farley breathed. He surged forward and hugged Miles tightly. “I’m so sorry,” he said, resting his blonde curls against Miles’ chest.
His hands came to rest on Farley’s back. He heard sniffling against his suit jacket. “Don’t cry,” he said softly.
“I can’t help it,” Farley snuffled, looking up at him out of watery blue eyes. “It's just so sad that that happened to you.”
“I’m getting over it. And I think…in time it will help me to be stronger,” Miles said seriously. “Because I survived.” he set his fingers under Farley’s chin. “Damien told me that you guys aren’t together,” he went on. “Because…he thinks that you’re still hung up on me. Is that true?”
Farley sighed, his eyes closing and his head bowing slightly. “Yes, its true,” he whispered. “Even after you hurt me, I still couldn’t stop thinking about you. Caring about you.”
He felt a surge of emotion so strong it nearly knocked him to his knees. “Do you think we still might have a chance?” he asked. “If I promise to treat you better and really work at a relationship?”
Farley sighed. “Maybe I should say ‘no’,” he said, one of his hands stroking over the front of Miles’ suit, “But the truth is that I’ve been miserable these last few months when I was ignoring you. If you’ve actually changed and you can treat me right, I’d love to be with you. More than anything else in the whole world,” he said, looking up into Miles’ eyes.
He didn’t answer with words. Instead, he bent his head a bit and did something that he’d wanted to do for a very long time, long before he’d recognized this urge. He kissed those pink lips with all of the force of his feelings behind it.
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