A/N: Reviews, pretty please? :) -Dl
Chapter 4
Ricky knocked hesitantly at the doorframe of the hospital room, hovering in the doorway. When the man lying in the bed turned his head to look at him, he tried a rather tremulous smile. "Hi," he said, feeling horribly awkward. "I...umm...came to see you again," he added unnecessarily. "Is that okay?"
"Sure," the cop replied. "It's Ricky, isn't it?"
"Yeah," he said, stepping into the room.
"What brings you here again?" James Belmont asked curiously, studying his face.
He squirmed a bit. "Oh. It's just that I...I really need somebody to talk to, and you're the only one that I CAN talk to about this," he explained.
James Belmont cocked his head a little. "Why only me?"
"Because...because...you're gay!" he cried loudly, then turned a bit red and looked around wildly.
The cop's brows drew together a bit. "Why don't you sit down here and explain that to me?" he said, pointing to a chair next to his bed. "Now I'm curious."
Ricky hurriedly plopped down in the chair, wriggling a bit in nervous tension as he tried to figure out how to start this conversation. "It's like this," he began at last. "I'm...I mean I was...a radio talk show host up until today. I quit my show today," he said, pulling at the front of his t-shirt with his fingers.
James frowned slightly. "Why?"
Ricky sighed. "Because of you," he said.
A blink. "Me? I still don't get it."
He tensed in the chair, getting ready to confess. "It's because you saved my life in the bank. And because you're gay. I heard you talking to your friends about it last night, and I felt really guilty..."
"Why would you feel guilty about me being gay? I don't understand," James said, his puzzled frown deepening.
"Because my show is...was...mostly a rant against gay people," Ricky said through his clenched teeth. "My Daddy, he taught me to hate people like you. That you were abominations, and sinners, and maybe evil...that you're causing the decay of a moral society with your perverted lifestyles. I've always believed what he said, and I've tried hard to fight against you. But when you saved me in the bank, and you were way more brave than I was, and I realized that you're gay...I don't know. I guess I realized that maybe some of the stuff that Daddy always said about you were wrong. Maybe more than some of it," he added, lifting his shoulders defensively. "So I quit. I can't go on the air and say that stuff, not until I know whether or not any of it is true. And that's why I came to see you. Because you're gay, and maybe you could help me figure it out...you don't have to, I'll understand if you don't want to, not after all of the things I've said about gay people on the air..."
"Let me get this straight," James Belmont said thoughtfully, studying his face again. "You're a homophobe, and up until today you had one of those hate talk shows that you hear on AM radio all the time. In fact, you're Ragin' Ricky Raynes."
He jumped, his mouth falling open. "H-How?"
James Belmont shrugged. "I've caught parts of your show a couple of time," he said flatly. "Although I didn't recognize your name or your voice until you told me about your show just now. I like to keep an eye out on homophobes, because they can be very dangerous people. Even if they don't do anything themselves, they encourage others to attack or bully gay people. What you say has consequences, Ricky," he said, his voice tinged with anger.
He flinched, pulling his chin down until it nearly rested on his chest. "I know that. And I'm sorry. But there's nothing I can do to change anything..." he said helplessly.
"Actually, you did the only thing that you could do when you quit your show today," James Belmont said, surprising him. "You can't change the past, but you can always change the present. But why did you come to see me about this? Do you want forgiveness or absolution?"
He shook his head. "No," he replied. "I guess I'm just hoping that if I talk to you, maybe get to know you or something, I might figure out some things."
"About gay people," James Belmont clarified.
He nodded again. The cop shook his head a bit. "Ricky, you can't just go by me. I'm only one person, not a representation of the whole."
"I know that," he said quickly. "But I wanted to try. And I didn't know where else to start. It's not like I know any gay people myself," he added ruefully.
"That doesn't shock me," James replied dryly. "All right, Ricky. What is it that you want, exactly? To hang out with me? Maybe become best friends?"
He flinched again. "No. I just want to talk to you. If that's too much, I'll go..." he started to get to his feet, but James Belmont waved him back down.
"Okay. I've got nothing much to do for the next few weeks while I'm on leave. And I'm willing to put in the effort to maybe reform a homophobe, because there are way too many of them in the world. One less would be a coupe for our side," his steady eyes met Ricky's. "If you don't mind hanging out with a gay guy," he went on dryly.
"No! I want to," Ricky said eagerly. He turned a bit red and looked away, not meeting those eyes.
The cop's voice was faintly amused. "All right, then. You can come and see me every night until they let me go, and after that we'll make plans. If you can stand a whole pack of gay guys, I'm having a backyard barbeque for my friends, family, and colleagues in a couple of weeks. I should be fine by then, so I'm not canceling it. You could come and meet some of my friends - a few of them were here last night. I promise none of them will try to eat you, especially when I explain that you're not gay and they shouldn't hit on you."
"Okay," Ricky said uncertainly. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about being around a lot of gay guys at once, but he was trying to change so he wasn't going to reject the idea outright.
"What will you do now?" James asked, making him blink.
"What?"
"You said you quit your show today," the cop said patiently. "Unless you have another job lined up..."
"No," he said ruefully. "I went to work to go on the air, but I couldn't do it so I quit. I wasn't thinking about getting another job or anything."
A crooked smile lifted one corner of James' mouth. "An impulsive gesture, then. That's a great thing to do, but it won't help your bank account."
"No," he agreed glumly. "I'm hoping that I can get another job in radio. My former boss said that he'd write me a good reference, even though I quit on him all of a sudden. He's really nice," he went on.
"He sounds like it. You're lucky. What kind of work will you look for?"
"I'd like to get a job as a DJ. I went to college for that, and I would have ended up as one if I hadn't sort of fallen into doing my talk show. With a reference from my boss, I might be able to get a job as a DJ. Here's hoping."
"It's always good to get into something that you like doing," James noted.
"Do you like...being a cop? Even though you got shot?" Ricky asked him.
"Yes, I do. I know I might get shot, and even killed, but that's just one of the hazards of the job. You accept it going in. And this..." he reached down to hover his fingers over his side, 'Wasn't bad. Don't get me wrong, I'd have preferred not to be shot at all, but if it was going to be anything I'll take a minor wound that doesn't put me in the ground or on permanent disability."
"But aren't you scared?!" Ricky blurted, thinking about how he'd frozen in terror in the bank.
"Yes, of course. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared in a dangerous situation. But you learn to divorce yourself from your fear and sort of set it a step aside while you deal with whatever the danger is. There's usually time later to give into the fear, after it's all over."
"I wish I could have done that," Ricky sighed sadly. "My daddy," he tensed, looking away. "Was so angry when he found out that you'd saved me. He said..." he stopped talking for a moment, his throat threatening to close up, "That he'd rather that I'd have taken the bullet, than have a gay guy save me."
Shocked silence. He glanced up sideways at the cop's face, seeing a deep anger in James' eyes. "Your own father told you that he'd rather you were dead than that you were saved by a gay man?" he said incredulously.
"Yeah," Ricky sniffled, looking down at the hands twining together in his lap.
"Well, that explains a lot," James noted. "About why you are the way you are. That's frankly disgusting, Ricky. Your father must be a really horrible man."
He stiffened, but sighed as well. "He is," Ricky said in a small voice. "I'm s-scared of him."
"Sounds like you have every right to be," James replied calmly. "I can't imagine being raised by someone like that. I've got to say, if you're worried that you're cowardly then your actions today should put any of your fears to rest."
He looked up, his brows knitting in confusion. "What?"
The cop tilted his head a little. "Your father terrifies you, and he taught you to hate and fear gays. Yet you quit your hate-spewing talk show even though you have to know that that's probably going to upset him, all because you acknowledge that what he taught you might be wrong. That sounds like courage to me."
Stunned, Ricky just stared at him. He'd never really thought about it that way. He'd quit on impulse simply because he couldn't sit in that studio and say all of those things about gay people anymore, not when a gay cop had saved his very life. He hadn't even been thinking about his father when he'd done it. But if he ever found out that Ricky had quit his show, and WHY...he shuddered, terror lashing through him. He hugged himself, rocking a little.
"It's all right, Ricky," James' voice said, and he jumped as a hand settled on his knee lightly. "You've taken the first step. Don't be afraid to go the rest of the way."
He looked up into the cop's reassuring gaze, and felt some of his fear ebb away. "I'll try," he half-whispered.
"That's all that anybody can ask for," James replied quietly.
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Chapter 4
Ricky knocked hesitantly at the doorframe of the hospital room, hovering in the doorway. When the man lying in the bed turned his head to look at him, he tried a rather tremulous smile. "Hi," he said, feeling horribly awkward. "I...umm...came to see you again," he added unnecessarily. "Is that okay?"
"Sure," the cop replied. "It's Ricky, isn't it?"
"Yeah," he said, stepping into the room.
"What brings you here again?" James Belmont asked curiously, studying his face.
He squirmed a bit. "Oh. It's just that I...I really need somebody to talk to, and you're the only one that I CAN talk to about this," he explained.
James Belmont cocked his head a little. "Why only me?"
"Because...because...you're gay!" he cried loudly, then turned a bit red and looked around wildly.
The cop's brows drew together a bit. "Why don't you sit down here and explain that to me?" he said, pointing to a chair next to his bed. "Now I'm curious."
Ricky hurriedly plopped down in the chair, wriggling a bit in nervous tension as he tried to figure out how to start this conversation. "It's like this," he began at last. "I'm...I mean I was...a radio talk show host up until today. I quit my show today," he said, pulling at the front of his t-shirt with his fingers.
James frowned slightly. "Why?"
Ricky sighed. "Because of you," he said.
A blink. "Me? I still don't get it."
He tensed in the chair, getting ready to confess. "It's because you saved my life in the bank. And because you're gay. I heard you talking to your friends about it last night, and I felt really guilty..."
"Why would you feel guilty about me being gay? I don't understand," James said, his puzzled frown deepening.
"Because my show is...was...mostly a rant against gay people," Ricky said through his clenched teeth. "My Daddy, he taught me to hate people like you. That you were abominations, and sinners, and maybe evil...that you're causing the decay of a moral society with your perverted lifestyles. I've always believed what he said, and I've tried hard to fight against you. But when you saved me in the bank, and you were way more brave than I was, and I realized that you're gay...I don't know. I guess I realized that maybe some of the stuff that Daddy always said about you were wrong. Maybe more than some of it," he added, lifting his shoulders defensively. "So I quit. I can't go on the air and say that stuff, not until I know whether or not any of it is true. And that's why I came to see you. Because you're gay, and maybe you could help me figure it out...you don't have to, I'll understand if you don't want to, not after all of the things I've said about gay people on the air..."
"Let me get this straight," James Belmont said thoughtfully, studying his face again. "You're a homophobe, and up until today you had one of those hate talk shows that you hear on AM radio all the time. In fact, you're Ragin' Ricky Raynes."
He jumped, his mouth falling open. "H-How?"
James Belmont shrugged. "I've caught parts of your show a couple of time," he said flatly. "Although I didn't recognize your name or your voice until you told me about your show just now. I like to keep an eye out on homophobes, because they can be very dangerous people. Even if they don't do anything themselves, they encourage others to attack or bully gay people. What you say has consequences, Ricky," he said, his voice tinged with anger.
He flinched, pulling his chin down until it nearly rested on his chest. "I know that. And I'm sorry. But there's nothing I can do to change anything..." he said helplessly.
"Actually, you did the only thing that you could do when you quit your show today," James Belmont said, surprising him. "You can't change the past, but you can always change the present. But why did you come to see me about this? Do you want forgiveness or absolution?"
He shook his head. "No," he replied. "I guess I'm just hoping that if I talk to you, maybe get to know you or something, I might figure out some things."
"About gay people," James Belmont clarified.
He nodded again. The cop shook his head a bit. "Ricky, you can't just go by me. I'm only one person, not a representation of the whole."
"I know that," he said quickly. "But I wanted to try. And I didn't know where else to start. It's not like I know any gay people myself," he added ruefully.
"That doesn't shock me," James replied dryly. "All right, Ricky. What is it that you want, exactly? To hang out with me? Maybe become best friends?"
He flinched again. "No. I just want to talk to you. If that's too much, I'll go..." he started to get to his feet, but James Belmont waved him back down.
"Okay. I've got nothing much to do for the next few weeks while I'm on leave. And I'm willing to put in the effort to maybe reform a homophobe, because there are way too many of them in the world. One less would be a coupe for our side," his steady eyes met Ricky's. "If you don't mind hanging out with a gay guy," he went on dryly.
"No! I want to," Ricky said eagerly. He turned a bit red and looked away, not meeting those eyes.
The cop's voice was faintly amused. "All right, then. You can come and see me every night until they let me go, and after that we'll make plans. If you can stand a whole pack of gay guys, I'm having a backyard barbeque for my friends, family, and colleagues in a couple of weeks. I should be fine by then, so I'm not canceling it. You could come and meet some of my friends - a few of them were here last night. I promise none of them will try to eat you, especially when I explain that you're not gay and they shouldn't hit on you."
"Okay," Ricky said uncertainly. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about being around a lot of gay guys at once, but he was trying to change so he wasn't going to reject the idea outright.
"What will you do now?" James asked, making him blink.
"What?"
"You said you quit your show today," the cop said patiently. "Unless you have another job lined up..."
"No," he said ruefully. "I went to work to go on the air, but I couldn't do it so I quit. I wasn't thinking about getting another job or anything."
A crooked smile lifted one corner of James' mouth. "An impulsive gesture, then. That's a great thing to do, but it won't help your bank account."
"No," he agreed glumly. "I'm hoping that I can get another job in radio. My former boss said that he'd write me a good reference, even though I quit on him all of a sudden. He's really nice," he went on.
"He sounds like it. You're lucky. What kind of work will you look for?"
"I'd like to get a job as a DJ. I went to college for that, and I would have ended up as one if I hadn't sort of fallen into doing my talk show. With a reference from my boss, I might be able to get a job as a DJ. Here's hoping."
"It's always good to get into something that you like doing," James noted.
"Do you like...being a cop? Even though you got shot?" Ricky asked him.
"Yes, I do. I know I might get shot, and even killed, but that's just one of the hazards of the job. You accept it going in. And this..." he reached down to hover his fingers over his side, 'Wasn't bad. Don't get me wrong, I'd have preferred not to be shot at all, but if it was going to be anything I'll take a minor wound that doesn't put me in the ground or on permanent disability."
"But aren't you scared?!" Ricky blurted, thinking about how he'd frozen in terror in the bank.
"Yes, of course. Only an idiot wouldn't be scared in a dangerous situation. But you learn to divorce yourself from your fear and sort of set it a step aside while you deal with whatever the danger is. There's usually time later to give into the fear, after it's all over."
"I wish I could have done that," Ricky sighed sadly. "My daddy," he tensed, looking away. "Was so angry when he found out that you'd saved me. He said..." he stopped talking for a moment, his throat threatening to close up, "That he'd rather that I'd have taken the bullet, than have a gay guy save me."
Shocked silence. He glanced up sideways at the cop's face, seeing a deep anger in James' eyes. "Your own father told you that he'd rather you were dead than that you were saved by a gay man?" he said incredulously.
"Yeah," Ricky sniffled, looking down at the hands twining together in his lap.
"Well, that explains a lot," James noted. "About why you are the way you are. That's frankly disgusting, Ricky. Your father must be a really horrible man."
He stiffened, but sighed as well. "He is," Ricky said in a small voice. "I'm s-scared of him."
"Sounds like you have every right to be," James replied calmly. "I can't imagine being raised by someone like that. I've got to say, if you're worried that you're cowardly then your actions today should put any of your fears to rest."
He looked up, his brows knitting in confusion. "What?"
The cop tilted his head a little. "Your father terrifies you, and he taught you to hate and fear gays. Yet you quit your hate-spewing talk show even though you have to know that that's probably going to upset him, all because you acknowledge that what he taught you might be wrong. That sounds like courage to me."
Stunned, Ricky just stared at him. He'd never really thought about it that way. He'd quit on impulse simply because he couldn't sit in that studio and say all of those things about gay people anymore, not when a gay cop had saved his very life. He hadn't even been thinking about his father when he'd done it. But if he ever found out that Ricky had quit his show, and WHY...he shuddered, terror lashing through him. He hugged himself, rocking a little.
"It's all right, Ricky," James' voice said, and he jumped as a hand settled on his knee lightly. "You've taken the first step. Don't be afraid to go the rest of the way."
He looked up into the cop's reassuring gaze, and felt some of his fear ebb away. "I'll try," he half-whispered.
"That's all that anybody can ask for," James replied quietly.
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